Fake news and sometimes real news with a few things added.
Remember folks, it may or may not be true, but you heard it here first.
Issue 1. January 12, 2019
Hollywood, California – It’s been said that the best comedy comes out the worst of pain, so comedian Amy Schumer swore off taking any pain medication for the past six months. Our lead reporter tried to contact Ms. Schumer to find out how she was feeling, but as of press time he hasn’t received a reply. Uh, Ms. Schumer, wrong kind of pain and you still aren’t funny.
Mountain View, CA – Google reports that Russian hackers have gained access to millions of customers private calendars in an effort to gain inside information. Shortly, thereafter The Politically Incorrect Times received an anonymous letter from the Kremlin, wanting to know what the heck yoga is?! The F.B.I tracked the suspects down to a shipping crate fashioned into an apartment building, located in the heart of Moscow. Seems the suspects were paid by KGB in exchange for the information. F.B.I spokesperson Frieda Convict, stated “The case will not be prosecuted, since the most the couple would ever get was 12 months.” California lawmakers are now considering a ban on all personal calendars, because “We all know it’s the victims fault and they should have been more careful with their personal information in the first place.”
Washington D.C. – Nancy Patricia Pelosi Speaker of the United States House of Representatives was involved in a minor fender bender while riding in her limo and proceeded to flail on the ground like a “fish out of water” all the while screaming, “my back!, my neck!”. When police arrived on scene Nancy was still flailing around on the ground in her feeble attempt to extort money from the other drivers insurance company. When asked if he knew who’s limo he ran into, the other driver replied, “Of course I do, why do you think I didn’t bother to hit the brakes?” The Politically Incorrect Times has obtained a copy of the accident report and it turns out that the limo driver ran a red light and is at fault. We contacted Nancy’s office for comment and they refused to speak to us. As of press time, Nancy was in her office preparing a bill for the American People to cover the repairs on her limo. Seems once a mooch always a mooch.
Salem, Oregon – Governor Kate Brown has been re-elected. And that in itself defies all logic. It has become impossible to deny the pattern of bungling incompetence that shows her administration, as a whole, is fundamentally broken and unable to perform the basic duties of government. The Politically Incorrect Times has tried to contact Ms. Browns office for comment, but nobody there speaks English and therefore doesn’t understand what our reporter is asking. Seems Kate has been so concerned with “diversity in government” that being able to speak English (or even read) is no longer a requirement to have a position in her administration. Under Kate Brown all a person needs is, all of their teeth and an I.Q. at least one point higher than their shoe size. And from what we observed most of the staff is right on the minimum threshold of that I.Q. requirement. No wonder Oregon is going down the drain faster than a bottle of liquid draino.