I had to play drunk through an entire production one time, and I have always wondered how hard it would be to write as if I were drunk, even though I am stone cold sober and here are the results.
I have been commissioned to write a paper on the different stages of intoxication, along with the effects of alcohol on cognitive skills, writing, and language. I am a little nervous, since this is a big assignment for my writing class and counts for 60% of my grade. To help out I stopped and got some whiskey at the local liquor store. I then went home, booted my computer and am ready to start.
(1st glass of whiskey and it’s smooooooth!)
1. Sobriety or low-level intoxication.
A person is sober or low-level intoxicated if they have consumed one or fewer alcoholic drinks per hour. At this stage, a person should feel like their normal self.
(Low-level intoxicated. hmmmm I have admit I have never heard that term before. Uffta! I am still a little nervous about writing this paper, better have another whiskey, hold on……..2nd glass *cough, *cough smoooooth!)
A person will enter the euphoric stage of intoxication after consuming 2 to 3 drinks as a man or 1 to 2 drinks as a woman, in an hour. This is the tipsy stage. You might feel more confident and chatty. You might have a slower reaction time and lowered inhibitions.
(I should call my friend to chat, there is a lot I would like to talk about….no, no, I have to finish this paper and I am confident I can do it! Starting to relax a little now and that whiskey is getting smoother each glass. I think I will have another. 3rd glass….that seems to be going down easier. Perhaps I should have another one? 4th glass of whiskey…..now that’s good stuff!)
At this stage, a man might have consumed 3 to 5 drinks, and a woman 2 to 4 drinks, in an hour:
You might become emotionally unstable and get easily excited or saddened.
You might lose your coordination and have trouble making judgment calls and remembering things.
You might have blurry vision and lose your balance.
You may also feel tired or drowsy.
At this stage, you are “drunk.”
(Emotionally unstable, what do you they mean emotionally unstable? That really hurts my feelings, ok maybe not, well now I am really sad about that. You know, I think I may take my shirt off, it’s getting hot in here. Ok, now where was I? Ummmm….hmmmm….I know it had something to do with a paper, oh yeah! Intoxication, better get my grindstone back to the nose. I am so excited that I was given the opportunity to write this paper! Ok one more drink and then I will finish this, this, uhhh…….paper, yeah paper that’s it! What is that object on my desk? Hold on give me a sec let me focus. Oh that’s the whisky bottle. Time for the 5th glass or was that the 6th? Oh well tastes really good! Have to find my glasses so I can see better, oh wait I am wearing them. *yawn, what time is it? I sure am getting tired and it seems to be getting warmer in here.)
Consuming more than 5 drinks per hour for a man or more than 4 drinks per hour for a woman can lead to the confusion stage of intoxication:
You might have emotional outbursts and a major loss of coordination.
It might be hard to stand and walk.
You may be very confused about what’s going on.
(Oh man! This paper is really getting hard to write! I am so mad! And who the heck switched the keys around on my keyboard! I am so sad right now! I may have to take my shirt off it’s getting really hot in here now, oh never mind I already took my pants off, “Hey it looks like someone likes boxer shorts, wonder who that is? Just a sec let me check the waist band, whadda ya know it’s me! Although I am not sure where that gopher inside my shorts came from? Oh well, as long is he doesn’t bite me. I really need to finish this article so I can submit it to the local paper, they will hire me for sure, or was it for school, either way it counts for 60% of the gas mileage in my car. Hey guess what?… There is a little blinky line on my computer screen that is just waiting for me to type something, watch….a…b…c. And by the way, when did I get dual monitors? Guess, I aced this driver test and I am sure to get an A. This alcohol isn’t effecting me at all. Some may disagree, but for all you doubters out there, I am not as think as you drunk I am. And I got this, I got this! I think I may crawl to bed now I am really tired!)